Top 3

Don't waste your Pain

Everyone has felt pain. No matter how old or young, we have all been hurt by the things of this world, whether it be physically, spiritually, or emotionally. Pain is inevitable. There is no hope that we can, in this life, avoid pain. One day, when we spend eternity with Christ, there will be no more tears, and no more pain (Revelation 21:4). But for the time being, pain will be here. The fact is that we are all flawed people who live in a flawed world. Unfortunately, without Christ, many people seem to live their lives focused on avoiding pain. Our world focuses so much on pain and helping people relieve their pain. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. However, when our sole focus is ridding ourselves of pain instead of trusting the Lord with whatever He allows into our lives, there is a problem. And when we begin to use pain as justification for our actions and our sin, we have an even bigger problem.

None of us can control what happens to us or the pain that enters our lives. No one can avoid losing a loved one or getting cancer. Bad things happen to everyone. However, one thing we can control is how we respond to pain. 

There are two main problems that come with pain (i’m sure there are much more but I don’t have time to address them all). The first is that pain often leads us to question God. When something bad happens, people often ask God “why?” We ask how a great and perfect, mighty God could allow such terrible things to happen to “good” people. One way to answer this is to point out that there really are no good people. We are all sinners. So while we may have some great idea of ourselves, really, we are wretched sinners. Jesus says in Matthew 5:45 that the sun rises on the good and the evil and rain falls on the righteous and unrighteous. No one gets special treatment. In fact, even God’s own Son, Jesus, felt pain. We are often so quick to blame God for the bad things that happen. We think He must not love us or that He has it out for us. And yet we forget that He has already given us the greatest gift He could ever give: His Son for our salvation. In 2 Corinthians 12:9, Paul speaks of how he asked the Lord to remove his pain, the thorn in his side. The Lord responded saying “my grace is sufficient for you.” I wish that I could have this mindset when I face pain. We must realize that God’s grace is sufficient. 

This is often a cliche saying. I have been pondering what this statement means. What does it mean when God says His grace is enough for me? The more I think about it, the more I must distinguish my needs from my wants. I want to be absent from pain. But do I need to be? No. I want to spend eternity with Christ. And to do that, I NEED grace. Grace is a need. Absence of pain is a want. So when I face pain, I remember that first of all, His grace is all I need. And secondly, God doesn’t allow us to go through anything that He will not help us through. All that we face in this life has been carefully sifted through the hands of God. It is pointless to ask God why. Who are we that we should ask our Creator why He allows certain things? I’d rather leave the planning of my life to God.

The second problem that comes with pain is that pain leads us to justify sin. We see this in cases of abuse where a father abuses his child or wife and then we later find out that the father himself was abused as a child. He blames the abuse on his father. We see this in a daughter who has no father figure in her life so she seeks love in other men. We see this in everyday conversations where we speak rashly or roughly to someone we “love” and blame our reaction on having a bad day or being upset from before. We see this in people who hurt us that we feel justified in getting revenge or cutting them out of our lives. When we sin, we often blame it on the pain that we have felt or even still feel. This is not to say that certain things don’t affect our lives. The father who was abused as a child was definitely scarred by what happen. The daughter without a father was hurt and confused. The person who was hurt by a friend is in pain because of what happened. However, is our pain an excuse for sin? Is the father justified in abusing his child simply because he himself was abused? Is the daughter absent of responsibility for her promiscuity because she didn’t have a strong father figure in her life? Are we justified in causing other people pain because of our pain? NO! Absolutely not. Why should we allow the pain we feel to lead us to bring pain to others? When we face pain, we have a choice. We can react in order to cause more pain. Or we can take the pain for what it is, deal with it, and choose to love. Instead of seeking revenge or just blaming our lives on the pain we have felt, we must take responsibility for our actions. We must realize that while the things that happen to us may be horrible, we have control of what we do with the pain. Lately, when facing pain, I have been asking God to show me more of Himself. I ask God to teach me what He wants to teach me. There is a quote by C.S. Lewis in his book The Problem of Pain that I love. He says, “God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world." Pain is the opportune time for God to speak to us.

I want to encourage you to see pain differently. First, when facing pain, remember that God is in control. He sees all we go through and the only power that Satan has is that which God allows. Second, don’t allow pain to be an excuse for sin. Take responsibility for your actions. You can’t control the pain you face, but you can control how you face it. Lastly, seek God for what He would teach you. God longs to teach us through our pain; don’t waste it.  

How to Converse with a teenager

Just ask anyone who has ever tried to start a conversation with a teenager or try to start one yourself and you will find that this is by far the hardest group to reach through the act of conversation. What you will get is something that looks like an interview, you asking a lot of questions and them responding with one word answers. Q. “How are you doing?” A. “Fine” Q. “How are things at school?” A. “Good” Q. “How are things at home?” A. “Fine” 

In the end you feel stupid and ineffective, your desire to reach into their lives and offer some kind of meaningful guidance or advice is quenched and seems useless. The strange thing is that most teenagers desperately want someone in their life who cares and will listen and offer guidance and advice. Their life may be a disaster but they will not simply share that with you because you ask, there has to be something more that exist between you, a sense of trust, security, and respect. These are cultivated over time but begin with the act of conversation. 

If you have a heart to reach teenagers you must be willing to be patient as the farmer who plants, waters, and cultivates, though the season is long when the harvest comes it is truly plentiful. I have discovered in 9 years of ministry that teenagers are the most dynamic, exciting and rewarding group of people to serve in ministry. They will break your heart, blow your mind and bless you beyond measure. I have been privileged to witness God’s transforming power at work seemingly right before my eyes and every time my faith is strengthened.       

I have 6 easy to remember points to help lay the foundation for a lasting and meaningful relationship with a teenager that begins with the act of conversation.

 

 

1. Be Patient and Be consistent; The more consistent you are the faster a relationship can develop. I tell people interested in High school youth group it takes an average of one year before teenagers reciprocate in a meaningful way. In this setting(the youth center) you will have access to teenagers everyday so the relationship will move faster. The point is teenagers will wait to see if you are willing to invest in them before they will invest in you so be patient. It’s tough to disrupt a teen’s patterns, break through their barriers, and earn the right to be heard. Don’t expect teens to respect you just because you’re their parent or an “authority figure.” They won’t listen to you just because you’re talking. With teenagers we must earn the right to be heard. Be patient- Be consistent!; 

1. Be sincere; Teenagers can spot a phony a mile away. Don’t come off like a vacuum cleaner salesman, be yourself, be vulnerable, be real. As you come in contact with teenagers write their names down and pray for them. As God moves He will transform your sincerity into deep compassion. 

 

1. Engage their culture; For many of us the thought of engaging today’s teenage culture is comparable to taking a machete and walking into the Amazon jungle. It’s dark and scary, filled with strange creatures that speak a foreign language. But with a little preparation and a few tools you can navigate their world and be accepted as one of the natives. Go to Itunes and download the top 20 songs, get familiar with the songs and the lyrics and use them in conversation. Find out what books, movies and video games are popular and use them as well. Most of the material might not be up your alley but you will gain credibility points and soon you will be speaking their language. You will also learn just what is out there shaping the way teenagers think, speak and act, you will be better equipped to minister to them in a meaningful way. 

1. Respect their Identity; Every teenager is searching for their identity. They wear certain clothes, style/color their hair a certain way, listen to certain music, wear certain jewelry. Everything about them is designed to project what it is they think about themselves. While our goal is to help them identify with Jesus, we can use what they think about themselves as a starting point for a conversation that can lead to a relationship. Show an interest in what they are interested in. Ask them about the clothes they wear, the style/color of their hair, ect.  Seek to understand them. If they feel you are truly interested in who they are they will respond.

1. Validate their feelings; Be a good listener. Remember that life is very real for the average teenager. Things that seem like minor issues to us are the end of the world for them. Self image, friends, relationships, family dynamics are all very serious issues for teenagers. Listen intently, look them in the eyes, do not dismiss them or what they are saying as trivial. Don’t seek to fix everything just show that you are there and you care. 

 

1. Always be ready; A teenager runs on their own schedule, they may not say a word to you for two months and suddenly at the most inopportune time they want to spill their guts to you. My daughter always seemed to want to talk as I was lying in bed ready to fall asleep, I knew I had to take the opportunity to listen to her no matter how tired I was. 

 

Using these tools will help you relate and converse with teenagers at their level where they feel safe. Before long you will be engaging in a deeper more meaningful relationship. 

honoring mom/dad

 

I wanted to start a discussion among parents and kids about thoughts concerning growing up.  As Christians, when it comes to any subject, it is extremely vital that we search the scriptures.  Firstly, we read one of the ten commandments is “Honor your father and mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the LORD your God is giving you.” Exodus 20:12.  So as children God is calling us to honor our parents.  But does this mean God doesn’t want us to grow up and become our own people?  Certainly not.  This leads to the next set of verses.  In the beginning of creation God proclaimed concerning man, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” Genesis 2:24.  Additionally Paul says in 1 Corinthians 13:11, “When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things.”  Clearly God states in scripture this great paradox that He wills for children to honor their parents while He also wills for children to mature and become their own individuals.  Unfortunately this is not a process that happens over night.  So here is where I wish to begin the discussion for parents and children alike:

How do we find the balance between children honoring their father and mother and man leaving father and mother?

Sign up this Sunday to be invited to The City where you can join this conversation.